We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
