Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
