the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
