It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
