She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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