my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
