I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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