I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize