I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
