My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
