Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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