and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
