my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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