birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
