Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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