why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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