I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
