just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
