Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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