I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
