You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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