Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
