when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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