Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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