I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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