remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize