I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
