I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
