I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
