I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
