So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
