My liver just broke up with me...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
