Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
