wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
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