TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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