Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
