Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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