The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
