Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
