If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Barsexuality is the new black.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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