Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
