He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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