my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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