you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
