I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize