This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
