My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
