I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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