i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
