sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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