life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
