it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
