UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize