For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
