This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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