I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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