I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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