You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
