You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize