It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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