Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
