I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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