i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
