"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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