Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize