I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
