dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
