When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
