I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
